Author: sawsan

Sorry I’ve been lacking with the updates! In my last post I talk about giving yourself credit for the little things which I struggled with for a little bit, hence my lack of updates. Here’s some updates from these past couple months that I should be giving myself some more credit for. As cliche as it may sound, the little things lead to bigger and better things.🙃

–

🔹I do indeed have an agent! That’s half the battle, right?

🔹Having been to LA for about 8 months now, I’ve already been on more auditions than I have ever gone on in the time I was in Chicago.

🔹I booked a gig! Off to a great start. Loved every second. I love being on set so much! Downside, when I showed up to the wardrobe fitting the location wasn’t accessible. This was very upsetting for me to not be able to have the same experience other actors were getting especially considering they specifically casted a person with a disability. As always, we made it work, production was very apologetic and supportive, we ended up having to do my wardrobe fitting outside. Unfortunately, this happens very often in Hollywood with the amount of available inaccessible venues. Something I hope will change as I continue on this journey.

🔹I continued my studies at improv at Second City Hollywood! Downside, Second City Hollywood is located in an inaccessible building. This was very upsetting for me because I loved being a part of the Second City community outside of class. They moved my class to an offsite location to accommodate for me and I had my first improv show in Hollywood in February.

🔹March consisted of preparing for where we are now. Quarantine. The days of uncertainty, self discovery, and being grateful for your surroundings.

🔹In April I finally started doing something I’ve always wanted to do, scriptwriting! One day I’d love to produce and act in a show or movie i wrote myself! It’s been draining, exciting, and fun!

This is a beautiful time to be grateful for our surroundings. From the food we have in the fridge to the people we are quarantined with. Let’s be grateful. I hope more people will join in when I do this and share their gratitude for the people they’re with. I wanna give a shoutout to each of my quaranfamily members!

–

💎@stoax38 for making endless flautas and spaghetti and for being my bff for like 13 years!

💎@sarah.simm for always making us laugh and spreading constant love, support, and positivity every single day!

💎@itsmissastealyourgirl for bringing people together with unconditional love and for being my main PA.

💎@jordnicole13 for being my backbone and always down to plan and execute crazy indoor activities to keep ourselves busy. Also for being my backup PA.

–

This is such a hard time for people with disabilities to get the care they need due to obvious social distancing safety and protecting our own health. So shoutout to all the PAs out there bending over backwards and working more than they normally would or for choosing to quarantine with a person with a disability to make sure they are safe and get the care they need! You guys are the real MVPs and definitely a part of the essential people category during this crazy time. Having moved to LA knowing absolutely no one, I’m so extremely lucky and grateful to have surrounded myself with amazing people that I can call my LA family. Who do nothing but lift each other higher. As we all should be doing. Especially now.

It’s easy to begin to lose patience and control of our own emotions the more you become comfortable with the people you’re around. Constantly reminding yourself what’s important, why you love them, and understanding that everyone lives their lives so uniquely is a great way of improving our ability to interact with people in a healthy and caring way. Every day is a gift to get to know the people around you better than you ever have before. Take advantage of this time in a positive way! Start by giving daily hugs and ask how everyone’s feeling.♥️

November was a tough month for me mentally and emotionally. I spent countless nights with insomnia, questioning what I’m doing with my life and wondering what my future will bring. I left my life in Chicago where everything was perfect. I had so many friends and family close by, two great jobs, awesome Personal Assistants, services and insurances and doctors all set up with no issues, and a great apartment.

Moving states is a decision I definitely don’t regret but really made me appreciate what I had in Chicago. Starting over has been tough, especially getting disability services set up because the government sucks. I’ve had plenty of ups and downs this month. Most of my “downs” revolved around spending probably over 40+ hours on the phone with insurance trying to make sure I get the care I need. In order to get PA services I’m required to be eligible for government insurance as opposed to taking the easy way out and taking my work insurance… The government literally makes it so difficult for people they are supposed to be serving to get the help they need. It’s absolutely disgusting.

I’ve been working on getting Personal Assistant services setup in LA and man it is a pain in the ass! The government pretty much makes it impossible for people with disabilities to move states. I’ve been here almost two months with no services. I’ve been lucky enough to move with roomies who are willing to help me for free until I have services and honestly I have not the slightest clue how I would be able to make this move successful without them. And to think I almost moved here by myself!! Ever since the start of planning this move, the universe has given me so many signs that this is where I’m meant to be. I am so lucky to have such an amazing support system to make this all possible. Moving states, especially with a disability, is a huge step and I’m so happy to say I did it and am doing it!!

What makes this transition from moving state to state with a disability is that I have to sign up for services all over again as if I’ve never had services before and as if I wasn’t disabled before moving states. This is a huge struggle for so many people with disabilities that want to move states but are afraid of losing their current benefits. People with disabilities are being held back from reaching their full potential in life because of reasons such as this one. There is no system in place for people with permanent disabilities to just be that. Moving states means having to prove that I’m disabled as if it just happened yesterday. I don’t want to have to constantly prove that I can’t walk when you can see this hunk of steel from a mile away and here I am trying to live my life as normally as possible without dealing with someone confirming I’m still disabled every year. Something has gotta change.

—-

Another huge struggle people with disabilities deal with when it comes to signing up for services is that we can only make a certain amount of money. Aka, the richer I am the less disabled I am systemically. You know the saying, money can’t buy happiness? Well it can’t buy me a new pair of legs either!

The system is so messed up that I have literally gotten a letter saying that I was not disabled based on my income. People with disabilities not only struggle to find a job due to the mass amount of discrimination in the work force, but also are afraid to get a job because they’re afraid of losing services that help them get in and out of bed everyday. How much sense does that make?

People with permanent disabilities need their own system and it should not be mixed in with other socioeconomic demographics. My income has absolutely nothing to do with “how disabled” I am.

I strive to live my life freely without letting my disability get in the way and it’s facts like this that’s a constant reminder that living with a disability is hard enough as it is without having to hear it from someone else that’s not my doctor. I strive to live independently and not let my disability stop me but that’s hard to do when the fear of “who will get me up every morning” is fear enough to stop most people with disabilities from achieving their goals.

Instead of signing up for services I’d much rather be going to coffee shops and meeting new people. Instead of finding new people to rely on to help me every single day, I’d rather find new friends. Instead of googling to find a place to get my wheelchair fixed, I’d rather google what the best acting schools in LA are. Instead of finding someone who’s going to help me get up in the morning, I’d rather find a man to sleep with. *snaps to that*

On that note, end rant.

Yesterday was my last day at MDA. It was an awesome 3.8 years but it was time for me to move on. It’s a bittersweet feeling. I am so so grateful for all the incredible people I’ve met in that time but I felt like my growth as a professional was stunted in the position I was in and I wasn’t able to find an alternative internal position I would feel passionately about. Putting in my resignation was extremely difficult, MDA is and always will be a huge part of my life though my future is the reason I live everyday. I didn’t feel like I was utilizing my time wisely sitting behind a desk at a job I’m overqualified for that doesn’t align with my goals and dreams. 

I still work part-time at the Apple store for now. I absolutely love my job there. I never pictured myself working in a retail store but I feel so incredibly humbled to work for a company that values inclusivity, diversity, and human interaction. I love talking to customers. I love my coworkers. And I absolutely love how Apple values and empowers their employees. It’s the sort of environment that I love feeding off of and continue to feed off even outside of work. 

Ultimately, in order to pursue my dreams of becoming an actress, I need to have more time to do so which is another factor that led me to my decision. I’ve been so focused on making money and getting out of debt that I lost track of my path. Time to hop back in and chase my dreams with my newfound time!

I had the honor of performing in a @tellintalestheatre sneak peek production of Always Greener this weekend. It was my first experience performing musical theatre. I always thought I sounded like a dying cat when I sang and was very nervous about having to sing in public for the first time during my audition. Through much help and support from friends, voice lessons, and rehearsals, I’m finally confident that I’m not musically challenged after all which makes me so happy because I love music so much! I’m thrilled to see what this new experience will bring me in the future and cannot wait for the full show!

The play is about a small town of people with and without disabilities where inaccessibility and inequality doesn’t exist. And people with disabilities even have helpers so finding PAs is never a struggle. It’s a beautifully written script and the music is relatable, catchy, and powerful!

Tellin’ Tales is such an amazing and inclusive production company. Being a part of their team reminded me of why I started getting into entertainment. To tell a story. Make a statement. Raise awareness. And most importantly, make a change through the arts of theatre, tv, and media. To learn more about the musical visit https://www.alwaysgreenermusical.org/

This is a time where we are all have more time with ourselves than we ever have before. Spending time with ourselves makes us think more. Become more patient. Helps us understand our thoughts more clearly. Forces us to be grateful for what we have. Allows us to become better humans for ourselves and for those around us.

Being able to discover something new things about ourselves. Finally sitting down and and starting those “I’ll do it tomorrow”’s. Rewarding yourself for the little things and not realizing how little credit you were giving yourself before. Not taking time for granted. Cooking. Dancing. Laughing. Playing games. Taking a nap. Working out. Meditating. Coloring. Reading.

Before quarantine we were constant consumers of earth and all its offerings. To a point where we all became addicted to a life of consuming and socializing. To a point where we forgot what it means to have food in the fridge that’s going bad when we decide to eat out. To a point where we stop to forget to callback our loved ones because we’re “busy.” If this quarantine has taught me anything, it’s that life is short especially when we choose to speed up our days. Instead, we should slow down our days to enjoy our highs. Every day should be a high. Not just waiting to cross off the days leading up to something as quickly as possible. That vacation. That wedding. That graduation. That award show. That birthday. That brunch with friends. That anniversary. Down to where we constantly thank god for Friday’s because we’re happy the week is over.

What I hope it’s teaching the world is how to coexist together as a whole in a way that’s positive, appreciative, and humble. Reminding the people that we love that  we love them, constantly.

Instead of focusing on people who have recovered, assuming and hoping we all will. We have to live as if we won’t. To protect ourselves and those around us. Because those around us is someone’s loved one. Preparing for the worst will help us be our best. And now more than ever, our strength, patience, and will power is being tested and strengthened.

I go through these phases where I question everything I’m doing and if I’m taking the right path. Honestly getting into these phases sometimes makes me really sad and I start contemplating if I should stop everything and do everything differently to see what would happen. ✨

One thing I learned about myself this week is that I don’t give myself enough credit. I accomplish tasks and classes and never see them as a step towards success. I focus so much on the fact that I’m not at my end goal that I forget to pat myself on the back for the little things that get me there.💫

I love being self-aware and finding ways I can improve myself to be a better person. One thing I need to improve is being better toward myself. This is the first and not the last reminder that small accomplishments are a big deal! 🌟